Today I was left out of the loop, and ended up driving 190 miles round trip to Austin for a meeting that didn't happen. I did buy a box of acupuncture needles that I needed, and went on a surprise visit to my Aunt - that was very nice. But the biggest part of the trip was listening to a CD of a recent session that I had with Ken
. I heart my "guru" greatly. Listening to the session is interesting, because you can tell that I'm hearing only about 1/2 of what he's saying - he says something quite profound, and I respond with something prosaic, as though either I'm very deep into my own stuff, or clueless (it's the former) - and that's why the CD is such a blessing. The session was 2 months ago, and I'm still hearing new stuff, each go-round.
A large part of the session was in getting me to either feel okay (rather than all the stressful stuff I usually feel), or to accept myself where I am... that it's okay to be a stress monkey right now. I especially noticed Ken referring to my waking up with a racing heart as "just notice that energy, and go back to what you were thinking before, to see what caused that surge". I'm very used to thinking that a racing heart means that I'm ill, or some such, rather than just taking it for what it is: energy that's coming out for some reason. It helps that I've not been waking up in such a panic recently - though several of my mornings have been d.r.a.g.g.i.n.g. I'm going to start looking at my physical symptoms as signs (rather than symptoms of something) - signs to look at and interpret.
The second thing that brought me up short came out of my own mouth: the Delphic Oracle's "KNOW THYSELF". Indeed, that's the beginning and end of it all, isn't it. I've known of that quote for years, but today the bottom suddenly dropped out of it, and instead of "know thyself - just who is Sravana, and what are her likes and dislikes, etc" it became, "just what is it to be 'Sravana-Human-Divine' "?
When that bottom opened up I shut off the CD and started thinking of how to go about Knowing Myself, and what answers I've heard during my years. There's the Christian version: I am a creature, a creation of God Almighty, with one life to live in obedience to His Will, and if I manage that and believe in Jesus as my Savior, then I'll go to Heaven. Then there's (what I understand of) the Vedic version: We are the Divine having a Human Experience, we are the Way that the Divine Experiences Life, and when we've come to Enlightenment, we'll Merge with the Divine and then... something. Then there's the New Age idea that we are Soul, and we incarnate to Learn Life Lessons, and when we've Learned Those Lessons something will Happen, and then... something. The atheist says, You are Nothing More than Hormones and Enzymes and Electricity in your Brain Self-Referencing, when you Die You Won't Even Know that you're Dead. Party now, because there's no Partying to be had later on.
None of that is particularly useful right now. Consciousness in Physical Form is an important part of it, but what is consciousness? And what is form? (particularly given that quantum mechanics indicates that we are mostly, almost completely S P A C E.)
From another POV - with my upbringing, I have been strongly domesticated and diminished. Very deep things have been happening in my treatment room with patients, and show a much larger and shining part of me that I've had intimations of, but never really experienced. I think this is why my TaiChi and Qigong classes were so hard for me - the movement and meditations were opening up that larger part of me that has never had an opportunity to manifest itself, and I had no idea what was going on - it scared me half to death, with energy shooting out of my palms, and lightheadedness, etc. (I had no idea what was happening in the dojo all those months until it came out of my keyboard just now). No-one was able to help me understand what was going on - all they saw was an anxiety-ridden peri-menopausal woman with a Yin Deficiency. And I thought it was pathological, too - today I'm understanding that it was a SIGN.
During my childhood I never thought that I was one of those kids who was dropped into the wrong family - I always thought that something was terribly wrong with me, that they were the normal ones, and I was the one who was crazy, pitiful, lacking. (Ken nailed it: I was taught that I could not trust MYSELF). At the same time, I've always wanted to be famous/well-known - and thought that I would be, eventually. I suppose you could look at that as an effort to find a way to be okay (if I'm famous, I must be enough, right?), but today I feel that urge was acknowledging that I am much bigger and more powerful than my domesticated self would ever imagine.
At holiday gatherings with my extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) I never felt like I belonged - they are either hyper-religious (Dad's side) or superficial (Mom's side), and I couldn't find anything to talk to them about. If there was a dog around, I was happy - I can relate to canines! Now that I think about it, there truly aren't many people in RL that I can talk to on the same level (thank god for the internet and email!!!).
Then there is the Snake. I had a dream in 1990 or so - a dream of a gorgeous green snake which I was afraid to touch. I don't remember the dream, but my then-husband made me a sculpture of a green snake in response to my telling him that dream. While my Vedic Moon's Nakshatra
, my Ascendant
's Nakshatra is Ashlesha
- a 'dreadful' sign, which is a serpent. I made a spiraling serpent ring out of wire when I was in elementary school - I kept it for years, until I finally had one made of gold about 12 years ago. When I did a preliminary pendulum dowsing of my primary totem animal a month ago, I was lead to the Cobra
(Naja Naja) - though a later dowsing indicated that it was Crow
. The Snake is the representative of the kundalini, of the Goddess, of Wisdom; and I've written incredible poems about the Feathered Serpent, Quetzalcoatl
. (Feathered Serpent? Crow+Cobra?? holy cow)
And I remember well the night I first learned of Otherkin
. Go ahead, read the link - I'm not going to explain it here. I remember turning off the computer at 1:30am with a huge grin on my face. Not that I thought I was Otherkin, not at all. I just thought that it was wonderful.
Where is all this leading me? To the realization that I am much, much, MUCH more potent and powerful than I've ever allowed myself to know. Knowing that explains so much about my life and my experiences - perhaps I'll go into detail another time. And this leads me to a further conclusion: either I am some kind of Elder Soul, Otherkin, or some such... or being human is much much more than anyone lets on. While I'd love for it to be the former (then I'd be Speshul!!), I'd bet it's the latter. Or perhaps being a human with a Cobra Totem (and Scorpio North Node, dammit!) is the gift given to someone who has much to deal with. In retrospect, it occurs to me that it's a good thing that I reached my fifth decade before I realized this. I don't believe that I would've had the integrity to know this before now.